Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The overachiever and the journey for inner peace.

Photo via Up,Up and Away

Today I had one of those days. You know 'em. You wake up and your energy has dissipated. You feel lethargic. Unenthusiastic. The fire is gone. You couldn't be fucked doing anything. All in the while, in your head, you feel frustrated that you can't get on with it. Do what you have to do, as they say. I blew off two commitments today - partial guilt has set in. Then you mind goes off in the head spin: Why can't I maintain my moods? Why must I continually battle with these cycles? Or is it, even a cycle - perhaps I just use too much energy and my body is just telling me to slow down. Yes, maybe I need to listen to myself more. Meditation helped. So will this.

I am overachiever. I will happily admit it. I am big believer in the power of positive energy - whatever energy you release, the universe will naturally rebound back. My enthusiasm has gotten me every far in life. It attracts people to me. It has given me the courage to do some insane things. I am creative thinker - I see patterns, I like to analyse, I like to listen. I am confident that the universe will led me in the right places.

But, in saying all that, I am wary of my ego. After all, the identity of 'me' is a label created by myself and my surroundings. The combination of my thoughts and the thoughts of others. I am hesitant to take advantage of this image, to become attached to it, after all, everything is temporary. I still crave, a sense of inner peace. I don't feel content, even though I have every right to be. Is this what spurs me on further and further? To chase success? What I want, what I really want, is deep spiritual fullfillment. I want to serve others and do something that is bigger than myself. Bigger than my ego. I feel almost superficial sometimes - perpetuating this identity that people have of me. I should not discredit, I know: it is me, but behind that, lies a deeper me. Hungry to get out. Wanting to be free and and at peace. Inner peace. Sometimes - and I have told a number of people this - that the last eight or so months, ever since I got out of my depression, time has felt like one mesh.. I want to be in the present. I want Now. I am tired of living in the past and moving toward the future all the time. I want peace.

What is, is. What happens, happens. What path comes, comes. What moves, moves.

Stop blocking and let the Tao do its thing.

1 comment:

cjrada said...

Wow dude, you are very critical of yourself, which is ok, or at least it better be, because I'm the same. I often criticise myself based on motive, if my motive is incorrect (be it in a worldly sense or a spiritual sense) I will block myself, it's my way of keeping the fire alive. the more i allow my motive to become "less pure", the more the fire dies, and I fall into a heap. The more I see myself do it, I mean block myself, I see that it's just my way of keeping the fire alive, and I know it's silly, but I still do it.

Dude, I've just been battling myself with wanting to 'hurry things up', again in both a physical sense and in a spiritual sense. Again I realise that there's only so much you can 'do' about it. That's been my stuff lately.

Anyhow man, talk soon. chat more when you come and drop that book over :-)