Sometimes I question what I am doing.
I always chasing stuff, thriving towards goals, keeping busy all the time. Which is fine. It reinforces my sense of achievement, of success, of progress. I feel successful I suppose. But, at the same time, I have this cognitive dissonce in my head. What will this led to? Why am I doing this? If everything is impermanent, what is the purpose of chasing all the time?
I have crave the moment. I want to be content with now. I want to be at peace. Sometimes I feel like the last six, seven, eight months have been a complete blur. I seem to be living week by week. One week goes. So does the next. I forget what I did last month. That eurphoria I experience one week soon fades with time. I want to remember what I am experiencing. Like during my travels. When details were so clear. I was so in the present. Carl Honare and other slow movements folk advocate the 'less is more' principle. I understand it intellectually, but I don't seem to be doing it.
Always planning. Always scheduling stuff.
Am I having fun?
Why can't I just be? And enjoy and be grateful for all the light, people and energy that is around me? Why do I feel so.....I dont know to describe it.......nervous, slightly anxious. No, thats not it. This inherent need to 'go, go.go' never dissipates. Being an overachiever boosts your ego, yes; your identity is reinforced by people - the successful dude, the guy with ideas, the social media guru, the guy who wants to make an impact. These identities are nice to have - I like them. But are they me?
How can I find the balance? Between living now and striving toward a better future? Surely there is a way I can do both.