Saturday, May 23, 2009

Blogging Therapy Version 3

I am tired. Physically. Mentally. I feel drained of energy. Perhaps it is the exhaustion of weeks, even months, of high intensity energy, ups and downs; a incessant sense of movement, a determination to always be on the go. Put simply: burnout. I don't feel like talking right now. I just wanna be alone with my thoughts. My body is finally catching up on me. Then again, maybe I am just over-analysing the situation. The pulsing tropical sunlight does tend to drain one out, especially when you haven't lived under its gaze in years.

On with the exercise. Self-reflection: Chapter 3.

We have all heard the Christian passage, "Ask and they shall receive". Questions provide a starting point, a framework, in understanding our thoughts. They help us get some semblance of an answer to the complexity that is our mind. Here are mine: What is the cause of my mood swings? Why do I find it so frustrating? What is the root of my anxiety and subsequent depression? How to overcome it? More importantly, how to manage it? What am I doing wrong? Why is it such a challenge? Why is it that I struggle , when others seem to walk through life, oblivious and disinterested but content? Is this the price I pay for being so full of life? When you experience beauty, are you more susceptible to see darkness? The natural way of Tao?

Photo by Marvin Kuo

I have been asking questions for years. They are nothing new. I have a folder, packed with scribbles, notes, research, conversations, which I refer to now and then. And each time, I move forward, it seems like I fall back into the same position. Asking the same god-damn-questions. Lost. Depleted. Tired of fighting what seems like a futile battle. Especially one that is so personal and hard to articulate. Frankly, I am fucking sick of fighting. I don't want to fight anymore. The determination it requires drains me. I don't want to be resilient anymore - well, no I lie, I do, but the resilience seems almost useless, especially when you know that the blackdog awaits just around the corner. Am I deluded myself right now? Is all this real? Or am I just talking absolute rubbish? Hard to distinguish sometimes - whether these thoughts are actually me, or just an indulgence in bittersweet prose. I remain dubious.

Actually, I feel confused all the sudden. What was the point of the entry? I forget. I want solutions. I want happiness. I wanna feel calm. I am stillness and peace. I want to be able to enjoy moment-to-moment experiences and not feel so anxious all the time. Marking my diary with dates and obligations. Moving, Moving, Moving. I want balance. I want to enjoy my friends, my conversations and my people. I love achieving. I love what I do, but I put a lot of internal pressure on myself. Strange.

Anyway, this blog post isn't making any sense right now. Nevertheless, it feels good to just write. To move wherever, however, your thoughts take you. Soothing in some way. I am going to watch a movie. Be back later.


Dash said...

feel like doing a writing challenge? If it's something that keeps your mind engaged and you enjoy it I'm sure I could come up with something.

Edward Harran said...

Writing challenge sounds awesome.

The more deep, the more challenging, the better.

Lets do dashwood.
You got my email/blogs/twitter/FB etc etc

Talk soon brother