Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Blogging Therapy

Photo by anadah

I wish I was normal.
But I am not.
My moods fluctuate constantly. (NB: Einstein was a pyscho as well)
Something provokes me - an incident, some small drama - and then, bang, the dark abyss follows.
All I ask for is stability.
I have so much to offer the world. I want to help others. To share my light. To have a strong character. To make a big impact on this world.
And, yet, it remains a struggle to keep my head over water.
To just be sane.
I hide it, or try to. But I struggle to hide who I am.
I share my weaknesses.
And I feel shame.
Life seems easier for others.
And here I am, batting with demons in my head, cursing the chemical concoctions in my brain that cause me to act this way.
Am I making all this crap up?
The battle seems futile sometimes. I have read god-knows how many books on spirituality, happiness, cognitive behaviour therapy, psychology. You name it. I preach it all this stuff.
But why can't I act it?
I am not afraid of failure. Failure makes your stronger. In the same way that heavy exercise is painful at first, so too is does it apply with the mind.
I must believe that there is a purpose to this.
Some reason.
Why can't I just be happy? I want happiness. That is all.
And, yet, it always seems so fleeting.
I experience bliss.
And then it disappears.
All the lessons. All the epiphanies irrelevant.
Why can't I just use be and use the inherent goodness within me?
Why am I fighting all the time?
For who? For what?
What am I doing?
Then I question who I am: Am I the positive, enthusiastic Eddie that I want to be, or am I the confused, mentally-unstable Eddie? Which one is me?
Are the drugs working?
Why must I constantly be forced to the ground?
What is the meaning of all this?
How will all this benefit me?
What do I have? Is this illness me? Or is it simply that, an illness? Something that is not me.
Questions remain unanswered.
The only strength that remains is the belief that this failure will only make me stronger. That maybe god/nature/the universe will reward me later in life. No, reward is the wrong phrase. But that it will provide me with the opportunity, the knowledge, the courage, the wisdom, to continue making a difference in the world.

Nothing is ever good or bad. It just is. You choose what you want from it.

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