Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Reflections from the battle ground

I don't really feel like doing this, but this inner battle I am facing at present needs to be understood. Slowly. And with patience. I refuse to allow it to take over. To become me. Understanding is the eternal softener that tames the fire - through self-awareness comes control. Or so the theory goes.

So, the last few days have been pretty low. I actually downloaded these mood charts and have semi-strigently been filling them out. Rate your mood from Very High - Very Low. What is your anxiety and irriration level? Blah, Blah....It is a pain in the arse, but I do it as often as can. The main frustation I have is that when I am go low, I can't control it. I become something else. No matter how many books I read, no matter how many positive words, people and influences I consciously surround myself in, it still washes over me. My energy dissipates. My perception warps. My trust in myself and others falls. The only solution is to: let it pass. I thought maybe it was home that is putting in me in this rut, but if I can't feel content and happy at home - the safest place I know right now - well, it is very unlikely I will be able to control my moods anywhere else. I gotta stay here till I get better. Deep inside, behind all the noise in my head, I know, I really know, that there is meaning in this.

It is your challenge Eddie. Your challenge. Your obstacle. The path you must take on your journey to self-awareness. Hardship makes you. Gives you strength and wisdom in a way that success can't. Persist.

Goddammit, I can't wait to come back and #crushit and live my little life to the fullest.