Tuesday, July 28, 2009
It's so simple, yet so obvious. And when you think about, we are all paradoxes, too.
I am introvert but I have mastered the art of connecting with people.
I have been blessed with focused, intelligent mind, but goddammit, I swear I am the most absent-minded person I know. I forget to call people. Some things just don't click with me, like money: you have to explain it to me 200 times. I am scared of tax.
I am skinny bastard. But goddammit, to paraphrase Mayer, my bodily structure doesn't get me enough credit - I am pretty big in other ways. My heart, maybe.
I am decisive, but I can't make decisions sometimes. Like which Peanut Butter- Smooth or Crunchy?
I am always awry of my ego, but my ego drives me a lot, I take comfort in it.
I love doing, achieving, getting shit done, being busy. And yet, there is a side of me that craves simplicity. Being. Enjoying the moment. Living for the sake of living. Seeing the magic.
I love connecting with people; I have a huge network of friends and acquaintances. But I still sometimes feel incredibly lonely, I wonder why that is?
I am incredibly enthusiastic and positive. Yet, deep within, I know I have a dark side. Frightened, gloomy, anxious - the quintessential lost boy in neverland.
I want to make an impact and change the world. I want meaning, a purpose higher than myself. I want to influence myself and others - enlighten them to the awesomeness within. I don't want to work for the man. Live for just money and possessions - I want something more than that. And, yet, I want money. I want power. I want success. I like business. From a spiral dynamics perspective, I wish I was more orange/red
I am perfectionist, yet I accept all my faults.
I am forgiving, but I can be incredibly resentful and bitter.
I am selfless. I love doing stuff for other people and I, all too often, forget to look after my big rocks. But sometimes I can be quietly selfish. I am always in my head. Thinking about me. 'Special Eddie = everyone loves Eddie, eddie, Eddie, Eddie." Sometimes, when doodling on the phone, I write my signature over and over again. Yep, Selfish.
I love to listen, but holy shit, do I talk.
I am assertive, but sometimes I have trouble saying no.
I want security and stability, but I dream about adventure. Living the moment and going with the flow.
I think I am old for my age, but still fairly young and naive in many respects.
I exert strong feminine qualities (compassion, empathy, listening, love), but I am still a lad's lad. I hang out with dudes more than chicks. I went to an all-boys school. I like fart-jokes.
I am incredibly loyal to my mates. But I will forget to call them.
I accept the impermanent nature of life, but I feel sad that it happens, I still wish permanentness lasted.
I am anti-conformist, I challenge the status quo. I do things my way. Yet, I conform/mould with ease.
I am ideas man. I think big picture. I have internet ADD. I often fail to paid attention to detail. But when the going is required, my focus is bullet-proof. The wield of an axe. Sharp. Intense.
I want a career, but, at the same time, would be very happy living like a Dharma Bum for the rest of my life.
I am fairly relative-time oriented. I like my diary. I use timetables. I have weekly goals. I write To-Do lists. Yet, I understand absolute time. The Nowness that comes with just being. Mediating. Mindfulness.
I am addicted to mental stimulation, but I love quietness. The stillness of the mind.
I am fairly clean, but I forget to brush my teeth. I haven't used a comb in a decade. I re-use my underwear -sometimes.
I am fairly organised. I get shit done. But I am also terrible with other things. My phone is shithouse - I need to get a new one. I consistently borrow money off my friends - and forget to pay them back.
I want more, but I also want less.
I want admiration, but I don't. The danger of feeding my ego.
I get quantity easily. I am popular. I know this. But it has, in the past, filled me with this sense of emptiness. I desire quality relationships - real connection, real meaning, and real love.
I want to be normal, but I am far from it.
I am a living oxymoron.
A walking contradiction.
A fluid, changing creek, melding and moving with my surroundings.
Nothing is - either, or / this or that / here or there. Duality is a myth. What exists, as Christine Egger has kind been explaining to me, is a sense of oneness. Allness. A higher level where everything is one and the same - moving, flowing, existing and moving in different times and places. You have to such run with it.
When you accept your inherent paradoxes, you let go of your fixed identity. You are no longer set in stone. You change as you see fit. You accept it. Life becomes easier - your identity no longer needs satisfaction for it to survive; for it now exists on a higher, more universal plane.
After all, everything is a paradox.
Posted by Edward Harran at Tuesday, July 28, 2009